I like olives too

Today during lunch, one of the girls was having a salad. After picking out all the olives for what seemed like ten minutes, she finally begins to eat. I assumed she didn't like olives but tried to coax her into eating them by telling her that I liked olives and that she should try them too. Bruce, who was sitting next to her, exclaims, "My dad loves olives! He has them with his drinks all the time!" That's wonderful, at least now I'll know someone when I go to happy hour today after school.

The truth hurts

There is this one kid in class who is obnoxious and wild. He constantly runs around spanking kids and doesn't listen to a word I say, so I finally decided that it was time to talk to his parents. That afternoon when his mom comes to pick him up, I tell her that he's been touching other children inappropriately and was wondering if there were any problems at home that might be causing this. She thinks for a moment then blushes some. She then proceeds to tell me how sometimes when she walks by her husband, he paddles her on her butt. Afterwards, she takes her son home and I am left standing there with a glazed look over my face. I now believe that stupidity is a generic disease.

On a side note, a young girl came up to me today and showed me a drawing she had made and asked if she was missing anything. I told her "skills" since I didn't see any on the paper. After five minutes of sitting at her desk, she walks back and shows me a bunch of circles with S's in the middle. Apparently she thought I was telling her to draw Skittles. Tard.

Welcome back

Today, after a two week vacation, I walked into class and everyone was so excited to see me. Horseshit kid especially, since the first words out of his mouth was, "Holy shit you're back!" It's good to be back.

Communion at school

Today, the five year old masturbator (refer back to "The new student" if you have no idea who I am talking about) was picking at a scab on her arm. The scab was a good size piece so after she had successfully taken it off, it started to bleed as you would've expected it to. As I walk over to her to scold her for picking at her scab and not listening to me prior, as I have told her not to pick at it, instantly as she made eye contact with me she begins to suck on her wound. I instinctively gag and loudly ask her what the hell she was doing. She responds, "We drink Jesus' blood at church on Sunday so it's okay!" Goddamnit I hate Mondays!

Games from the hood

Today, during recess, a little girl comes up to me and asks if I wanted to play Rock Paper Scissor. "Sure," I respond. As we both simultaneously say, "Rock, Paper, Scissor," she finishes with, "W!" Quickly followed with, "WU-TANG! Nothing beats the clan!" She then proceeds to tell me how they are, "nothing to fuck with."

Ticklish

Today, during circle time, I noticed two girls in the back being giggly and extra disruptive. I look up from the book that I was reading out loud to the class and saw that both of them had their legs raised in the air with their hands inside their panties. Resisting the F-bomb, I tell them that their actions are inappropriate and that they should go wash their hands. What do they respond to me? "This tickles my peepee."

Facepalm

So today Jake, aka "horseshit kid", felt slighted by his twin brother after his brother had taken away his toy. I see him think for a second then smirk with this stupid ass grin on his face as he calls his brother to come over. Expecting to see him wail on his brother, I watch carefully to observe what's to unfold. Jake asks his brother if his hand was bigger than his face. Baffled, his brother puts his hand up to his face to see if it truly is and Jake smashes his hand against his brother's hand making him slap himself. Being the teacher, I knew that Jake shouldn't hit others, but technically his brother hit himself. So to punish him, I exclaimed, "Jake! He just had snack and had cereal on his mouth! Now your hand smells like Corn Pops!" He gives me a weird look and proceeds to smell his own hand and I, in return, slap his hand against his own face. Then I explained, "See how that hurts others? Don't do it again."

Later on in the day, feeling tired and annoyed, Jake comes over and asks me if I wanted him to draw me anything. I respond by telling him to draw me "care" because I simply had none.

Aiming high

Today we read a book about growing up. After we finished, I went around asking the students what they wanted to be when they grow up. The majority of the girls wanted to be princesses, and most of the boys wanted to be some superhero or another. There was an occasional teacher here and there and one student wanted to be a doctor. We finally reach Natasha, our only black student in the class. We all look attentively at her as she announces with a giant ass smile on her face, "I want to work in a grocery store!" If she keeps writing her j's backwards, she just might.

Karma's a bitch

Today is Water Wednesday! One of our new themes that we are going to be doing for the summer (this is a year round preschool). As I finished setting up all the new water toys that we got from our school director, the kids all ran out to play for recess. As they saw all the water toys spraying water everywhere, they got real hyper and loud. One particular kid, Jason, is a total bitch. He whines about everything and cries anytime anyone is too loud around him, points at him, or moves too fast around him. He's basically your average momma's boy who sits quietly in the corner by himself but when other people come near him he screams like a banshee. Anyways, he gets real rowdy and pushed another kid as he's running around on the blacktop, he was on the blacktop instead of the grass since he didn't want to get wet (the pussy). So I call for him to come over and instead of listening to me, he proceeds to headbutt my crotch and run off. After recovering, I noticed he was by himself in the corner of the blacktop standing there daydreaming and looking off into his own little world. As I was looking at him another little kid hits me with a soaking wet nerf ball. As I picked it up to retaliate, I remembered Jason's little stunt just five minutes ago. Since he was a good twenty yards away, I figured I'd make a game out of it. I nudge the teacher next to me and she turns to see what I want. "Five points if I hit Jason with this ball," I say as I cock back and launch the little spongy ball of doom towards the end of the black top. The rest of the teachers' heads, who were outside, all follow the trail of the arching ball and gasp as it lands straight onto Jason's forehead and he drops like a sack of bricks. Guess who got five points?

The new student

Today we got a new addition to our class, a pretty little girl of five! She was very polite and well mannered, one who looked like she could easily become a personal favorite in no time. After her mom dropped off her lunch, she waved goodbye to her daughter and I and left. In about fifteen minutes, I received a phone call from the mother. It went something along the lines of this, "Hello Mr. Jacob. I just wanted to let you know that her food should be refrigerated since she will be having yogurt after her lunch sandwich, which should be heated for twenty seconds, and that she should put her empty containers back into her lunchbox when she is finished eating. She tends to throw them away. Also, she tends to masturbate during nap time so please redirect her. Thanks!" Wait what?! You heard me, the five year old masturbates. I don't know if her mom was too embarrassed to tell me in person or if she just plain forgot, either way she was so nonchalant about it that it was creepy. During nap time, I would walk by her cot just to check up on her. After about ten minutes after nap time started, I heard some huffing and puffing. I walked over to find that the little girl had balled up her blanket and was proceeding to hump it doggy style. I told her that she should be sleeping and she rolled over. About two minutes later, I see her butt in the air and her hands were disappearing under her skirt. I ran over and told her to wash her hands and that she was going to be reading a book with me for the rest of nap time. We read Clifford the Big Red Dog eight times before she finally passed out next to me. I think I'm going to put her in the corner during nap time from now on so that the other students, and other teachers, won't see her.

Color me upset

I hate Mondays. Today during coloring, one of my students commanded another student to give him the gray crayon to color with. The second child simply ignored him and the first one screams, "GIVE ME THE FUCKING GRAY!" I stepped in and told him that that kind of language is unacceptable to which he responds, "That's horseshit!" Did I mention that I hate Mondays?

Learning the vulgarities of the alphabet

After about a week teaching in class, I decided to try and get my kids to start associating words with the beginning of letters since the normal routine of having them sing their ABC's was getting boring. I call on the children one at a time to ask them to give me a word that started with a letter that I give them. Following the three people that have gone before him, a little boy of four comes forward and stands in front of me. "H," I announce to him and the class. "H," he repeats, "H is for Horseshit!"