Karma's a bitch

Today is Water Wednesday! One of our new themes that we are going to be doing for the summer (this is a year round preschool). As I finished setting up all the new water toys that we got from our school director, the kids all ran out to play for recess. As they saw all the water toys spraying water everywhere, they got real hyper and loud. One particular kid, Jason, is a total bitch. He whines about everything and cries anytime anyone is too loud around him, points at him, or moves too fast around him. He's basically your average momma's boy who sits quietly in the corner by himself but when other people come near him he screams like a banshee. Anyways, he gets real rowdy and pushed another kid as he's running around on the blacktop, he was on the blacktop instead of the grass since he didn't want to get wet (the pussy). So I call for him to come over and instead of listening to me, he proceeds to headbutt my crotch and run off. After recovering, I noticed he was by himself in the corner of the blacktop standing there daydreaming and looking off into his own little world. As I was looking at him another little kid hits me with a soaking wet nerf ball. As I picked it up to retaliate, I remembered Jason's little stunt just five minutes ago. Since he was a good twenty yards away, I figured I'd make a game out of it. I nudge the teacher next to me and she turns to see what I want. "Five points if I hit Jason with this ball," I say as I cock back and launch the little spongy ball of doom towards the end of the black top. The rest of the teachers' heads, who were outside, all follow the trail of the arching ball and gasp as it lands straight onto Jason's forehead and he drops like a sack of bricks. Guess who got five points?

The new student

Today we got a new addition to our class, a pretty little girl of five! She was very polite and well mannered, one who looked like she could easily become a personal favorite in no time. After her mom dropped off her lunch, she waved goodbye to her daughter and I and left. In about fifteen minutes, I received a phone call from the mother. It went something along the lines of this, "Hello Mr. Jacob. I just wanted to let you know that her food should be refrigerated since she will be having yogurt after her lunch sandwich, which should be heated for twenty seconds, and that she should put her empty containers back into her lunchbox when she is finished eating. She tends to throw them away. Also, she tends to masturbate during nap time so please redirect her. Thanks!" Wait what?! You heard me, the five year old masturbates. I don't know if her mom was too embarrassed to tell me in person or if she just plain forgot, either way she was so nonchalant about it that it was creepy. During nap time, I would walk by her cot just to check up on her. After about ten minutes after nap time started, I heard some huffing and puffing. I walked over to find that the little girl had balled up her blanket and was proceeding to hump it doggy style. I told her that she should be sleeping and she rolled over. About two minutes later, I see her butt in the air and her hands were disappearing under her skirt. I ran over and told her to wash her hands and that she was going to be reading a book with me for the rest of nap time. We read Clifford the Big Red Dog eight times before she finally passed out next to me. I think I'm going to put her in the corner during nap time from now on so that the other students, and other teachers, won't see her.

Color me upset

I hate Mondays. Today during coloring, one of my students commanded another student to give him the gray crayon to color with. The second child simply ignored him and the first one screams, "GIVE ME THE FUCKING GRAY!" I stepped in and told him that that kind of language is unacceptable to which he responds, "That's horseshit!" Did I mention that I hate Mondays?

Learning the vulgarities of the alphabet

After about a week teaching in class, I decided to try and get my kids to start associating words with the beginning of letters since the normal routine of having them sing their ABC's was getting boring. I call on the children one at a time to ask them to give me a word that started with a letter that I give them. Following the three people that have gone before him, a little boy of four comes forward and stands in front of me. "H," I announce to him and the class. "H," he repeats, "H is for Horseshit!"