I like olives too

Today during lunch, one of the girls was having a salad. After picking out all the olives for what seemed like ten minutes, she finally begins to eat. I assumed she didn't like olives but tried to coax her into eating them by telling her that I liked olives and that she should try them too. Bruce, who was sitting next to her, exclaims, "My dad loves olives! He has them with his drinks all the time!" That's wonderful, at least now I'll know someone when I go to happy hour today after school.

The truth hurts

There is this one kid in class who is obnoxious and wild. He constantly runs around spanking kids and doesn't listen to a word I say, so I finally decided that it was time to talk to his parents. That afternoon when his mom comes to pick him up, I tell her that he's been touching other children inappropriately and was wondering if there were any problems at home that might be causing this. She thinks for a moment then blushes some. She then proceeds to tell me how sometimes when she walks by her husband, he paddles her on her butt. Afterwards, she takes her son home and I am left standing there with a glazed look over my face. I now believe that stupidity is a generic disease.

On a side note, a young girl came up to me today and showed me a drawing she had made and asked if she was missing anything. I told her "skills" since I didn't see any on the paper. After five minutes of sitting at her desk, she walks back and shows me a bunch of circles with S's in the middle. Apparently she thought I was telling her to draw Skittles. Tard.

Welcome back

Today, after a two week vacation, I walked into class and everyone was so excited to see me. Horseshit kid especially, since the first words out of his mouth was, "Holy shit you're back!" It's good to be back.

Communion at school

Today, the five year old masturbator (refer back to "The new student" if you have no idea who I am talking about) was picking at a scab on her arm. The scab was a good size piece so after she had successfully taken it off, it started to bleed as you would've expected it to. As I walk over to her to scold her for picking at her scab and not listening to me prior, as I have told her not to pick at it, instantly as she made eye contact with me she begins to suck on her wound. I instinctively gag and loudly ask her what the hell she was doing. She responds, "We drink Jesus' blood at church on Sunday so it's okay!" Goddamnit I hate Mondays!

Games from the hood

Today, during recess, a little girl comes up to me and asks if I wanted to play Rock Paper Scissor. "Sure," I respond. As we both simultaneously say, "Rock, Paper, Scissor," she finishes with, "W!" Quickly followed with, "WU-TANG! Nothing beats the clan!" She then proceeds to tell me how they are, "nothing to fuck with."

Ticklish

Today, during circle time, I noticed two girls in the back being giggly and extra disruptive. I look up from the book that I was reading out loud to the class and saw that both of them had their legs raised in the air with their hands inside their panties. Resisting the F-bomb, I tell them that their actions are inappropriate and that they should go wash their hands. What do they respond to me? "This tickles my peepee."

Facepalm

So today Jake, aka "horseshit kid", felt slighted by his twin brother after his brother had taken away his toy. I see him think for a second then smirk with this stupid ass grin on his face as he calls his brother to come over. Expecting to see him wail on his brother, I watch carefully to observe what's to unfold. Jake asks his brother if his hand was bigger than his face. Baffled, his brother puts his hand up to his face to see if it truly is and Jake smashes his hand against his brother's hand making him slap himself. Being the teacher, I knew that Jake shouldn't hit others, but technically his brother hit himself. So to punish him, I exclaimed, "Jake! He just had snack and had cereal on his mouth! Now your hand smells like Corn Pops!" He gives me a weird look and proceeds to smell his own hand and I, in return, slap his hand against his own face. Then I explained, "See how that hurts others? Don't do it again."

Later on in the day, feeling tired and annoyed, Jake comes over and asks me if I wanted him to draw me anything. I respond by telling him to draw me "care" because I simply had none.